1. The reason why I use Android is because Adam and Eve had an Apple and fucked everything up.
2. Set good songs as custom ringtones for people you don’t like. This way, when they call you can enjoy the song while ignoring them.
3. I really don’t care if people talk shit about me, I was raised to flush shit down the toilet not play with it.
4. When you pick your Bible to read, when you are praying or meditating and your phone rings, if you abandon the Bible reading and prayers to answer your phone and start jesting, the devil is organizing party for you.
5. Don’t be proud because of iPhone. It can only brighten your picture not your future.
6. If your man cheats on you, don’t post all men are cheaters, Post his name, his age who lives at this location and address is a cheater. We other men are good.
7. She is texting you goodnight while she’s telling another boy I can’t sleep baby. Focus on your dreams and make Mama proud my Bro.
8. Some people think that ignoring me will actually hurt. My dear I have been ignored by my own brain during examination times and you think you are hurting me am used to it.
9. Don’t ever hurt me because if it’s my turn you’ll Google, how to stop crying.
10. Sometimes they don’t leave you directly. Instead they treat you like shit until you leave them and then they blame you.
11. Stop talking about those who go to church once a year, some of you go to church every Sunday but your behaviour alone can shock the Devil.
12. Stuck in a generation where loyalty is just a tattoo, love is just a quote, happiness is a myth and being fake is a lifestyle.
13. Everyone deserves love but not me. I deserve a lot of money, and a 2023 Maserati Levante.
14. I avoid shit because I’m scared of ME, not you, my temper goes from zero to prison really fast.
15. I wasn’t going to share this but dear GIRLS, the next time you call a boy ugly, remember he isn’t the one wearing make up.
16. I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
17. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.
18. You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
19. You’re not simply a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family. 
20. You’re like my fridge, always full of yourself yet offering an abundance of empty calories. 
21. When you go to bed every night and wake up every morning without thanking God. The devil is after you.
22. When you stay for a whole day, weeks or even months without reading your Bible.The devil is interested in doing business with you.
23. We live in a generation Where people ignore each other to get each others attention. it doesn’t make sense.
24. A lot of people have the wrong idea about me and I have no desire to clear shit up.
25. I understand that you don’t like me But i need you to understand that i don’t care to.
26. No one is coming to save your problems. Your life’s 100 percent your responsibility.
27. College is a waste of time for 99 percent of people. You can learn 10 times faster from the internet if you use it right.
28. No one care about you. So stop being shy, go out and create your chances.
29. Comfort is the worst addiction and cheap ticket to depression.
30. We’re all in the same game, just different levels dealing with the same hell, just different devils.
31. Don’t let people treat you like a cigarette, they only use you when they’re bored and step on you when they’re done. Be like drugs, let them die for you.
32. Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained my as an enemy. I’m bigger than that I wanna see you eat Just not at my table.
33. Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel.
34. When you do too much for people they start loving your hand not your heart.
35. You spend your whole life gathering guests for your funeral.
36. Be enough for yourself first. The rest of the world can wait.
37. I’m at a point where I refuse to have sex with a man for free like for what, to go home hungry wit a wet hole.
38. If you don’t have a job, you are broke and your woman is paying the bills. My brother, it’s your turn to scream during sex. You can’t be useless day and night.
39. Do you know erasers sacrifice their life because of your mistakes.
40. People who get fucked on Saturday night are those that dance a lot at church on Sunday.
41. I lose interest so quick one wrong move and I don’t want to talk or even see you any more.
42. You may be pretty but if the world was blind who would u impress.
43. Someday, somebody will take your love and burn it to ashes, and you will know how it all feels.
44. Nobody is busier than a person who don’t want you.
45. Parents worry about what their sons download and worry about what their daughters upload.
46. We are like a deck of cards, different colours and symbols but one cannot work without the whole set.
47. Don’t be afraid to love again. Not everyone is like your ex.
48. I’ve told you, never place your trust in us. We’re only human. Inevitably, we will disappoint you.
49. Losing an argument when you’re right just bc the other person is too stupid to understand what you’re saying is probably one of the most infuriating things in the entire fucking universe.
50. I don’t know whether I’m bored of being alone or I’m alone of being bored.
51. We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love true love.
52. You can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react to it.
53. For a girl every relationship starts with he’s different and ends with he’s just like the rest.
54. Im scared of losing you , but then again,you’re not even mine.
55. Why don’t you have a boyfriend He asked. I have strict parents. she replied. And why don’t you have a girlfriend she asked, Your parents are strict. He murmured.
56. when she says go ahead that means its a NO. she’s not giving u permission to do what u want her to do. She is daring u to go ahead and try it. OR she is giving u time to change what you have just said.
57. Being alone in the toilet is a reminder that you’re always alone when shit goes down.
58. All of this Cocaine in the world and your nose is still in my Business.
59. A man is like shoe laces, he has to pass through too many holes before he finally ties the knot.
60. Imagine your girlfriend telling you a story, and said let’s say for example you have a big Dick.
61. my brain has too many tabs open.
62. A baby is never a mistake. You had unprotected sex, what the hell were you expecting. A plasma TV.
63. May your D’s turn to C’s and your C’s raise to A’s and B’s. In the name of CGPA I pray, amen.
64. I think the scariest thing in this world is you never know someone’s true intentions with you.
65. I’m in love with my bed, but my alarm clock won’t let us be together.
66. Dear Math, I don’t want to solve your problem, I have my own problems to solve. Sincerely, students.
67. Everyone has good days and bad days, but mine are more like good hours and bad years.
68. Guys aren’t born assholes, they become them after they find out the girl they loved was a hoe.
69. My ex texted me, You can delete my number. I replied who is this.
70. I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality we have to deal with 40% more spider webs than you do.
71. Scientists are concerned that the legalization of marijuana in Canada may result in an entire nation of overly friendly and polite people.
72. Alcohol. The fuel used in the engine of bad decisions.
73. Good night. May you be safe from the ghost under your bed.
74. For your EX. I became so religious so that I could pray for you to burn in hell.
75. Why attend someone’s funeral if they aren’t going to attend yours.
76. I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
77. You were my cup of tea, But i drink champagne now.
78. Always remember that if you’re not good, then you can still be used as a bad example.
79. Marriage is like going to a restaurant and you order your choice of food from the menu, and then look at a neighbor’s table and wish you ordered that.
80. I am not saying i hate you, what i am saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
81. Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.
82. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
83. I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
84. When nothing is going right, go left.
85. Marry a man your own age, as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
86. If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.
87. Before you judge a man, work a mile in his shoes, after that, who cares. He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.
88. Dear Friday, I’m So glad we are back together I’m Sorry you had to See me With Monday,Tuesday,Wednesday and Thursday. But i swear i was thinking of you whole time.
89. I finally found love. Guess what, It’s on page 884 on a dictionary.
90. I want to be your sweet good morning, your lovely good night and your most painful goodbye.
91. My mind works great wonder 365 days a year, 7 days a week and 24 hours a day until I met you.
92. According to Newton’s Law of love, love can neither be created nor destroyed. However, it can create a girlfriend who can destroy wallets.
93. Sitting in an exam and all you can think of is song lyrics.
94. Okay i’m getting off my Bed in 10 seconds 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.9.9.9..
95. What’s the difference between a battery and my husband, The battery has a positive side.
96. Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly, Boyfriend: You’re both. Girlfriend: What do you mean, Boyfriend: You’re pretty ugly.
97. Friend: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated. Me: So what do you do, Friend: I close my eyes.
98. You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared.
99. If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
100. I wonder, how we lazy people go to heaven, or do they send someone to pick us up.
101. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met.
102. If you evet feel stupid remember that one time my twin brother forgot my birthday.
103. I don’t know how to act my age because I’ve never been this old before.
104. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma, There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
105. People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.
106. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, is the hardest thing in the world.
107. I hate how chocolates immediately melt on my hands. i mean, am i that hot.
108. Worst types of fear. 20 missed calls from mom, No internet Connection, Text from Crush Saying We need to talk, Username or password is incorrect.
109. Don’t mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.
110. The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
111. Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
112. I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.
113. Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson, Student: Why are you teaching during my conversation.
114. If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge.
115. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
116. I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
117. My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.
118. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.
119. That annoying moment when you’re texting someone and auto correct decides to join the conversation.
120. People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.
121. Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you are bad luck.
122. When people ask me what is more important, food or love, I don’t answer because I’m eating.
123. Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing what I did yesterday.
124. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
125. Just accept the fact that love is rare and it probably won’t happen to you, ever.
126. Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep, that’s how you wash a cup.
127. Newton’s law of love states that Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.
128. A kiss can remove anger, but if it’s too much it can remove clothes too.
129. Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I like you, i might be picturing you on fire.
130. Don’t Call Her Hot, Call Her Beautiful. She’s a Girl, Not A Cup Of Tea.
131. The reason why short people argue a lot is because they can’t see the point.
132. We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing.
133. What shoe size do you wear, Cause i think you’re my sole mate.
134. I wish I had Kim Kardashian’s talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.
135. Every pretty girl has an ugly friend. If you don’t have one then you must be the ugly friend.
136. Internet love is the most popular online game.
137. True love is when you died and your girlfriend kill herself to make sure you don’t talk to other girls in hell.
138. I just wanna cover my feelings up with tattoos.
139. If she comes to a date with a friend, focus more on her friend she will never do that again.
140. Usually when I tell people to act normal and be cool, I’m the one acting weird.
141. Before my crush goes ahead and marry his girlfriend, we first must get divorced in my mind, from a marriage that never happened.
142. What is the difference between me and a calender, A Calanders has dates.
143. In the battle between myself and myself, I found myself helping myself to kill myself.
144. The love I have for you is like copied assignments, I can’t explain it.
145. After the age of 25, you ain’t single, guess what you’re unmarried.
146. Having a dick bigger than the guy in the porn video is the most satisfying feeling a man could ever experience.
147. You did what you did, I felt how I felt, now we are where we are. It is what it is.
148. Life is like my dick, it gets hard for no reasons sometimes.
149. You know what’s the most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate, Your ears listening for footsteps.
150. Ladies, no man cares about the length of your eyelashes.
151. I want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughin because we forgot to pick up the kids from school.
152. Now i just need to spend a night naked in bed with someone watching movies and eating fatty foods and having sex two or nine times.
153. The worst day of loving someone is the day that you lose them.
154. If you knew how much I don’t fuck with nobody, you’d appreciate how much I fuck with you.
155. Females don’t care if you ate or got shot, as long as you were not with another girl.
156. I Visited my friend At His House, He Told Me To Make Myself At Home. So I threw him out, I Hate Visitors.
157. People ask you about what you do for a living so that they calculate the level of respect they give to you.
158. Suicidal people are angels that just want to go back home.
159. Paying for sex is probably still cheaper than actually having a girlfriend.
160. Having sex with your ex ain’t cheating it’s called a Throwback.
161. Today I donated my watch, phone and money to a poor guy. You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting his gun back in his pocket.
162. I will rather fall asleep than fall in love.
163. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.
164. Dear best friend, if you ever feel bad, call me. I promise to sing for you. Then you can decide what’s worse.
165. If you can’t look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you are probably still an idiot.
166. U drink to forget about ur crush. I drink to forget the time i waved at someone who was waving to the person behind me. We ain’t the same bro.
167. I am so romantic sometimes i think i should marry myself.
168. I used to have hopes and dreams, now i have porn and memes.
169. I was happy before I met her, But I’m just alive now.
170. The saddest thing about real love is you’re only gonna get it from your mom.
171. Some people are like a drug. Make you feel great for a bit then terrible from the inside out.
172. Don’t fall in love because whatever falls tends to break.
173. If school is not a place to sleep then home is not a place to study.
174. Dating someone for 4 years and then break up. Congratulations, now you have a degree in relationship management and analysis.
175. I spent 10 years to improve my handwriting and now we are using keyboard.
176. My first breakup was in grade 3, she left me for a boy who had a new pencil.
177. I paused a porn movie to text you back, don’t ever ask about my loyalty.
178. I skipped my court case today. Only God can judge me.
179. Have you ever read a comment that made you click on the person’s profile to see if they look as stupid as they sound.
180. If You’re Single Please Sleep Before 11 P.M. You’re Making The Internet Slow.
181. I asked my mom if i was adopted, she said, why on earth would i chose you.
182. Real gentlemen hate to see their wife crying, that is why our phone have passwords.
183. Cute face, curvy, big ass, huge boob, all are useless if i don’t like your feet.
184. Nobody supports you like a social media friend that you never met.
185. The best relationship is between a cigarette and a smoker. She burns for him and he dies for her.
186. If you are a girl and you are single, and you are reading this, congratulations u have got a boyfriend.
187. Sometimes I wonder if I am better off dead.
188. If my love for you is a crime, i want to be the most wanted criminal in the world.
189. Sometimes Your Beauty Depends On The Quality of the camera.
190. Women fell in love by what they hear. Men fell in love by what they see, that’s why women wear makeup and men lie.
191. A Day without music to me it’s like, A romance movie without a kiss.
192. Humans are the only species to cut down trees, process it into paper, and write Save trees on that piece of paper.
193. If you ever feel lonely just watch a horror movie at night, it usually does the trick.
194. If You Ever Need Nothing I’m Here For You.
195. There’s always someone who tries to make you feel bad about what you enjoy. I call these people My parents.
196. just for once, I want someone to be afraid of losing me. Just for once.
197. 6 things that I love the most, Rain, sleeping, Music, Mom, My girl and food especially meat.
198. I give everbody a chance, just not a second one.
199. Either i grow with you or outgrow you, I’m not standing still for nobody.
200. I miss being a little kid, you can fall asleep on the sofa and magically transfer to your bed.
201. Life is like Instagram. People will like your problems and comment on them but no one’s gonna solve them because everyone is busy in updating theirs.
202. I’m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.
203. I really want to express my feelings for you, but i don’t have enough middle finger.
204. I know I’m becoming a better me because I been holding back some ruthless shit I could say to people.
205. Make sure you Secure the bag and mind ya business.
206. Doubt me, so i can make you look stupid later.
207. Run away and be friends with the moon, she won’t judge you.
208. Don’t Break anyone’s heart. They have only one of it. Break their bones, they have 206 of them.
209. They say having sex is the same as running for eight miles. Now my question is who the fuck can run eight miles in 30 seconds.
210. Relationship is for sex. If you want goals, call Real Madrid.
211. Not all marriages start with, will you marry me. Some start with I am pregnant.
212. The awkward moment when you think you do a silent fart and it comes out like a machine gun.
213. Installing love….. 44%. Installation failed.
214. Bring your haters a chair, since they can’t stand to see you blessed.
215. I am not flirting. I am just being extra friendly to someone who is extra attractive.
216. I may look calm, but in my head I have killed you about 5 times.
217. Its better to fail than to cheat but its better to cheat than to repeat.
218. No I didnt trip. The floor looked like it needed a hug.
219. Don’t let Negative and Toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out.
220. If you run around with 9 losers, pretty soon you’ll be the 10th loser.
221. Nobody DIES A Virgin. Because in the End LIFE Fucks us all.
222. If you’re going to be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.
223. Girls like shoes more than CLOTHES, Because No Matter How Much They Weigh, it still fits.
224. Act like you trust people, but don’t.
225. When people say they can’t see anything good in you. Hug them and say life is difficult for the blind.
226. When I die, don’t cry for me. Get high so it feels like you are in the sky with me.
227. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
228. Before you share your secrets, make sure that your listener is not a script writer.
229. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
230. Sometimes God breaks your heart to save your soul.
231. We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
232. Forgive me if I don’t talk much at times. It’s loud enough in my head.
233. I love it when someone’s laugh is funnier than the joke.
234. People change and forget to tell each other.
235. Having just one girl is too risky, like what if she dies.
236. If short people smoke weed, Do they get high or medium.
237. Isn’t it weird that we have a little voice in our head, like the one you used to read this.
238. I’ve heard that some people start sex without kissing, how do you even start, A handshake.
239. If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.
240. I hope we can still be friends.. The worst break up line ever.
241. Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.
242. What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk.. My Zipper.
243. Being in a relationship is a full time job, don’t apply if you’re not ready to commit.
244. People don’t have to like You, and you don’t have to care, Period.
245. Win in silence. Let them think you’re losing.
246. In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired.
247. A legal kiss is never as good as a stolen one.
248. If kissing is the language of love, then we have a lot to talk about.
249. I know I’m crazy. Don’t ruin my moment.
250. I look at people sometimes and think, Really! That’s the sperm that won.
251. It’s not my fault that I fell for you, you tripped me.
252. Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
253. People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
254. I try to be a nice person, but sometimes my mouth doesn’t cooperate.
255. I think weekends are made in China. They don’t last long.
256. True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.
257. Dear future wife, the bed side with a socket is mine.
258. The saddest thing about real love is you’re only gonna get it from your mom.
259. If everybody likes you, you have a serious problem.
260. I can handle pain until it hurts.
261. you’re sorry, that’s cool. Go write a book about it and let someone who actually cares read it.
262. The World Is Funny, If The Government Finds Diamonds Or Oil In Your Backyard It’s The Government’s Property. But If They Find Drugs, It’s Yours.
263. That awkward moment between birth and death is life.
264. Dear Heart, please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood that’s it.
265. Sometimes,you gotta listen to your brain,just to save your HEART.
266. Seeing a spider on your bed is not the actual problem. The real problem starts when it dissappears.
267. Getting Blocked by your Girlfriend or Boyfriend on Social media is like electronic Divorce.
268. It’s funny how a person can hurt you so much when you were expecting it in the first place.
269. Just Because She’s Taken Doesn’t Mean She’s Happy, Inbox Her And Check On Her She Might Need A Sidepiece.
270. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
271. If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
272. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either.
273. I can love anyone like the way I loved you but no one can love you the way I did.
274. Everything I like is either Illegal, Immoral, Fattening, Addictive, Expensive, or Impossible.
275. Having a best friend with the same mental disorder is a blessing.
276. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
277. My words are like a China phone. They have no guarantee.
278. Attempting to care, loading….. loading….. error, failed to care.
279. The only person in this world I trust is myself. And even, he’s questionable at times.
280. My favorite kind of pain is in my stomach when my friends make me laugh to hard.
281. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
282. Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
283. Dear ladies, treat your pussy the way you treat your face. It’s somebody’s food.
284. Don’t be shy when you repeat clothes, it shows that you are the owner.
285. When I love, i love hard. When I’m done, I’m done.
286. A man is never careful until he buys a new car and a white shirt.
287. I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as a distraction.
288. If you can’t pray in English please pray in your local language last Sunday I heard someone saying Lord you are nothing without me. Imagine going to hell because of grammar.
289. How is a poor man a lot like a rich man, They both have an iPhone.
290. People Who Open Their Eyes During A Kiss Have Next Level Of Trust Issues.
291. Love never dies, only the lover changes.
292. I’m in my bed, you are in yours. One of us is obviously in the wrong place.
293. Be careful of following the Masses. Remove the M, and who exactly are you following.
294. Yes I’m single and any guy who wants to change that is going to have to be pretty damn amazing.
295. Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
296. When I die my gravestone is going to have a Like button.
297. Stop rewarding yourself with food. You are not a dog.
298. During last 5 minutes of examination every student gets a super natural power.
299. Before talking; Please connect the tongue to the brain.
300. I don’t have a short temper, I just have a low tolerance for stupidity, immaturity and ignorance.
301. When i go in, i can cause some pain. I will fill your holes when you ask me to. I also ask that you spit, and not swallow. What am i… Of course i am a Dentist..
302. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it.
303. I was raised not to be rude, but I also try to get the best work out of people.
304. Dear Girls, remember catching a husband is an art, to hold him is a job.
305. You can never really say what’s on your mind, when your family is on Facebook.
306. I really want to work so hard. But being lazy is so much fun.
307. Love will fuck you up more than drugs ever will.
308. If you dislike someone, dislike them alone. Don’t recruit others to join your case.
309. Exams are not a way of teachers calling you an idiot. It’s their way of proving it to you.
310. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was. And if it just sits there on the sofa, watching TV, unaware that it’s been set free, you probably married it or gave birth to it.
311. A beautiful funeral doesn’t guarantee heaven.
312. Relax we’re all crazy it’s not a competition.
313. Don’t get mad, smile and creep them out instead.
314. Hating me doesn’t make you pretty.
315. Dear girls, don’t flatter yourself. I sent you a friend request, NOT a wedding proposal.
316. I asked my heart why I can’t sleep at night. My Heart replied, It’s because you slept in the afternoon don’t act like you’re in love.
317. I know I could die any moment So, why should I care what people say about me.
318. When life locks you in your room, simply go out the window.
319. You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about.
320. I have decided to leave my past behind, so if I owe you money, I’m sorry but I’ve moved on.
321. Don’t cry alone, add some background music like in the movies.
322. Every tear is a sign of Onions.
323. I don’t make mistakes, I just date them.
324. I will wait till the day I can forget YOU or the day you realize you can’t forget Me.
325. We met, we talked, we liked, we dated, we committed, i loved, u cheated, we’re done, ur deleted.
326. The leading cause of depression is reality.
327. I have a new theory in life. What other people think of me is truly none of my business.
328. When the past calls, let it go to voice mail, it’s got nothing new to say.
329. Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary.
330. I never forgive, but I always forget.
331. I can drive you crazy without a drivers license.
332. I can’t wait for the day I stop pretending that I’m really ok when I’m not.
333. The awkward moment when you have crunchy food in a room full of silent people.
334. If you want to hear the whole truth about yourself, make your neighbor angry.
335. It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing.
336. A man’s biggest mistake is giving another man an opportunity to make his woman smile.
337. Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn’t have given you worse advice.
338. No matter how old i get, i always want my mom when i don’t feel good.
339. Darling sometimes you need to test what’s bitter to know what is sweet.
340. Don’t take life to seriously because you’ll never get out alive.
341. Overthinking killed my happiness. Insecurities killed my self esteem. Lies killed my trust.
342. I Is the only difference between fit and fat.
343. I am just being confused, new banks are appearing while the people don’t have money.
344. The heart was made to be broken.
345. FREE ADVICE. Try not to fall for someone who isn’t willing to catch you.
346. Don’t kiss behind the garden, Love is blind but the neighbours are not.
347. If you wish to avoid seeing a fool, you must break your mirror.
348. My mother always said don’t marry for money, divorce for money.
349. I want to ask you out but I can’t find the right word’s. And my confidence level is low.
350. A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
351. If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
352. Don’t argue with stupid people, it only makes you look like the biggest idiot.
353. Babies are so lucky. They can sleep all day still everyone loves them.
354. Oh I’m sorry, I forgot I only exist when you want something from me.
355. People with high ego and unnecessary attitude deserves the standing ovation of the tallest finger.
356. The man who says it can’t be done should not interrupt the woman doing it.
357. If you dislike me, remember: it’s mind over matter. I don’t mind and you don’t matter.
358. Break-ups can really damage your health, I remember one time my girlfriend broke up with me via text message while I was on my way to pick my cousin from school, I came home with the wrong kid.
359. Listen, Smile, Agree and then Do whatever the fuck u were gonna do anyway.
360. I preferred Dangerous freedom over peaceful SLAVERY.
361. Fake friends are like shadows. They follow you in the sun and leave you in the dark.
362. Be yourself, who else is better qualified.
363. Sometimes hearing the music is just the best way to ignore the world.
364. If You Want To Protect Yourself from Cold. Then Just go to Hell. It’s really Hot there.
365. There are three sides to an argument, your side, my side and the right side.
366. I am not upset because of what you did to me, I m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.
367. I enjoy when people show Attitude to me because it shows that they need an Attitude to impress me.
368. Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.
369. Do not teach your children never to be angry, teach them how to be angry.
370. Arranged marriage these days is the agreement between two broken hearts.
371. Of Course I talk to myself, because sometimes I need Expert Advice.
372. I was your cure and you were my disease. I was saving you, and you were killing me.
373. You cannot taste me, until you undress me. Sincerely, banana.
374. No one in your family will ever be as forgiving of your mistakes as your dog.
375. A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
376. Laziness is the mother of all bad habbits but ultimately she is a MOTHER and we should respect her.
377. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
378. The only person I’m afraid of is myself. That fucker is crazy.
379. Never try to fuck up someone life with a lie when your’s can be destroy by the truth.
380. Ladies , if he calls you crazy, don’t get upset. Crazy bitches are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case.
381. My standard are high. My mind is dirty. My morals are firm. My personality is flirty. My heart is big. My ego is small and if you don’t like me, I don’t give a fuck at at all.
382. Don’t feel special, I only keep your number in my phone so I know not to answer when you call.
383. Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.
384. The best thing about being me, is that I am a limited edition and there are no other copies.
385. If revenge is sweet and karma’s a bitch. I will be the sweetest bitch you will never meet.
386. She’s a badass crazy, that tells the truth and has a good heart, soft but strong and knows her own worth. Unapologetic and honest. She’s the type of woman you go to war beside not against.
387. Do you ever look at your friends and think ‘why the hell aren’t we comedians.
388. If you could read my mind, I’m pretty sure you would be traumatized for life.
389. Of course I’m out of my mind, it’s dark and scary in there.
390. Whatever they did to me made me indestructible and completely unfuckable.
391. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
392. Boys are supposed to love and protect their girlfriends, not hurt and betray them.
393. I had a facebook crush, it all ended after her photoshop trial version expired.
394. Don’t be mad because I don’t give a fuck, be mad because I once did and you were too blind to see.
395. Two word’s guys hate are, DON’T and STOP, unless you put them together.
396. Dear Facebook, Everytime I add a girl you ask me Do you know her, Is she your sister.
397. There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
398. I feel sorry for the person who write terms and contitions. because nobody read that.
399. How do you keep an idiot in suspense, just say, Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.
400. Make your girlfriend happy by telling those 3 words every girl loves to hear, Here’s my Wallet.
401. Money can’t buy happiness, but it pays for internet, which is pretty much the same thing.
402. I’m not heartless, I just learned how to use my heart LESS.
403. Did anyone ever notice that STUDYING is a mixture of STUDY and DYING.
404. Better late than never, but never late is better.
405. Respect old people, they graduated high school without Google or Wikipedia.
406. Got one life to live, and zero fucks to give.
407. High school has made me realize that you only need one best friend and like three close friends, because you realize how fake everyone is
408. I don’t even feel hurt anymore when someone leaves me, I’m just like wow again, Okay.
409. I hate being in that mood where nothing’s really wrong but nothing feels right either.
410. Horror Movies With Friends Are Actually Comedy Movie. Romantic Movie With Parents Are Actually Horror Movies.
411. 204 countries, 805 Islands, 7 seas, 10 Billion people and I’m single.
412. I am tired of being tired and talking about how tired I am.
413. Why do I fall in love with people who are all ready taken or have feelings for someone else.
414. We all have our own fear but sooner or later we must face it. It takes a lot of guts to overcome it. So don’t be afraid to face your fear. Go ahead, take a bath.
415. Love only one girl or boy at a time. Or break up with the person. DO NOT CHEAT.
416. I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.
417. We all are born to die don’t feel more special than me.
418. Every Night, It’s An Endless Battle Between Sleep And The Internet.
419. That awkward moment when you say the wrong answer aloud in class. Confidently.
420. When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be I left TEN Million dollars in the…
421. I wish my brain had a map to tell me where my heart should go.
422. C.L.A.S.S- come late and start sleeping.
423. Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey.
424. Phones are better thana Girlfriend, At least we can switch it off.
425. My heart was taken by you, broken by you, and now it is in pieces because of you.
426. True love is when she destroyed your reputation and disrespected you and still think about how gorgeous she is when she smiles.
427. Is that my ex, No, that’s the biggest mistake of my life.
428. Childhood is the most beautiful of all life’s seasons.
429. Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.
430. Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is Don’t you think you’ve had enough.
431. Wish studying for an exam was as easy as remembering lyrics. I’d pass every exam.
432. I am so single that for me GF means grandfather.
433. One good girl is worth a thousand bitches.
434. Headaches are like resolutions, you forget them as soon as they stop hurting.
435. Twinkle, twinkle little cup, how’d my life gets so fucked up.
436. When you’re dead, you don’t know that you’re dead. It’s difficult only for the others. It’s the same when you are stupid.
437. All you really need, is someone who sees the psycho you are and likes you anyway.
438. I think perhaps all of us go a little crazy at times.
439. A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
440. All I want to do right now is cray and scream and let it all out because it’s kill me inside.
441. Smiling is 70 percent more attractive than wearing makeup.
442. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
443. Three of the worst words to hear. Tomorrow is Monday.
444. Love don’t cost a thing except a lot of tears, a broken heart, and wasted years.
445. Dear Teacher, I talk to everyone, so moving my seat won’t help. Sincerely, Student.
446. Kissing is like a bee sucking honey from a flower and the honey never ends.
447. A biology class is told to draw a women’s reproductive system. A girl is so shy she’s facing down. A boys sees her, and said sir, it’s not fair she’s copying.
448. If you won’t let us dream. We won’t let you sleep.
449. You never realize how boring your life is until someone ask what you like to do for fun.
450. When I was in high school l had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess.
451. If Facebook, Google and YouTube would have been subject in school, my parents would be very proud of me.
452. I try to contain my crazy, but the lid keeps popping off.
453. Please Don’t grow up. it’s a trap.
454. It’s crazy how death can bring families together and life keep’s families a part.
455. If you’re not using your smile, you’re a man with a million dollars in the bank and no checkbook.
456. Please try to Live your life and forget your age.
457. The stuff you heard about me was a lie, I’m more worse than you think.
458. Nobody cares about your degree when you drive a Lamborghini.
459. I Wish My Parents Were Like Google. They Should Understand Me Even Before I Complete..
460. Oh you’re dating my ex, Cool. Im eating a sandwhich. You want those leftovers too.
461. Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes just be an illusion.
462. Girl I might as well call you Google, because you have everything that I am looking for.
463. I was feeling like I was in depression. So I called my friend and talked for sometime, and now We both are in depression.
464. Whenever you hear about me please believe it. I no longer have time to explain myself. You can also add some if you want.
465. I am definitely not the same person I was when this year started.
466. I don’t necessarily call it Crazy, I call it happiness with benefits.
467. I don’t go crazy. I am crazy I just go normal from time to time.
468. Doing crazy shit is what makes life worth living.
469. We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.
470. Don’t worry about people, they’ll all die.
471. You have two ears and one mouth follow that ratio listen more, talk less.
472. I’m sorry if you don’t like my Honesty. BUT to be fair I don’t like your Lies.
473. Don’t show me your attitude, my black list bigger than your Friends list.
474. Son, the greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world that there is only one of him.
475. Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.
476. Sometimes I think my head is so big because it is so full of my dreams.
477. I’m pretty sure the whole ladies first thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.
478. Corona or no corona, Staying away from people is always a good idea.
479. Smile! It’s the second best thing you can do with your mouth. But I like the first one.
480. Every problem comes with some solution. If it doesn’t have any solution, it’s a Girl
481. If you hate me, Log on to KISS-MY-ASS . com.
482. Somewhere, Someone Is Silently Loving You. Probably Just Your Mom, But Still..
483. I don’t think people can ever give a good reason as to why men try to cook.
484. Did me dirty but I still stuck by your side, I don’t know if I was dumb or just real definition of a ride or die.
485. Not everyone you love will stay, not everyone you trust will be loyal, some people only exist as exmples of what to avoid.
486. People who treat their birthday as a normal day think they’re more mature than everyone.
487. To promote world peace go home and love your family.
488. When people talk behind my back Remember it is a best position to kiss my ass.
489. I wish I had Google in my mind and Antivirus in my heart.
490. When i was born, i was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and half.
491. I don’t understand why people cheat, if you’re not happy, just leave.
492. Self control is the ability to stay cool when someone is making you HOT.
493. I’m not tired of challenges. I’m tired of people challenging me for nothing.
494. If plan A didn’t work out, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Stay Cool, Calm, and Carry On.
495. It’s not about how many ideas you have. It’s about how much action you take.
496. I kept my heart strong like Iron but, I didn’t know that your heart is a magnet.
497. I hate when people say they miss you, but don’t make a effort to speak to you or see you.
498. HATING is an emotional disease, so for those who hate me, hope you get well soon.
499. When I’m alone, I can sleep crossways in bed without an argument.
500. Why does time move so fast when we’re together, and so damn slow when we’re apart.
501. You’re lucky if you found a person who never gets tired of understanding your nonsense attitude.
502. I can never lose my virginity to the wrong person again, I have learned my lesson.
503. If someone puts a gun to my head and tells me to spell wensday or kongrajulation tell my mama i said i love her.
504. I might not be the funniest, Sweetest, Cutest but unlike all these people I’m at least not the fakest.
505. The worst lies start with, Trust me, I am not like others.
506. Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so near to Monday.
507. I am the type of person who wants to get good grades but doesn’t want to study.
508. The left side of your face is more expressive than the right.
509. Someone asked me, how’s life, I just smiled and replied, she’s fine.
510. You are the only clock thats ticking in my heart.
511. I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.
512. I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me.
513. I’d risk the fall just to know how it feels to fly.
514. School for 12 years, college for 4 years. Then you work until you die. WONDERFUL.
515. I don’t believe that love comes to those who wait. Today love comes to those who flirt.
516. I am simple, complex, generous, selfish, unattractive, beautiful, lazy, and driven.
517. Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship.
518. I shall be an autocrat. That’s my trade. And the good Lord will forgive me. That’s his.
519. Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
520. Next time I’m gonna fall in love with my problems, maybe they will leave me too.
521. Some people are so fake that i bet if you look behind their neck, I bet it says Made in China.
522. I don’t care what gender you are, i will still call you dude.
523. I don’t have dirty mind, I have Sexy imagination.
524. Forget the haters, cause somebody loves you.
525. There are some things that just aren’t meant to be changed. Your body is not one of them.
526. We can’t see water with a poision inside. Same goes to fake people.
527. I Agree that cleanliness is next to godliness, but has anyone ever seen God.
528. If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
529. Awesome ends with ME and Ugly starts with you.
530. Hating me won’t make you pretty. IN FACT not even plastic surgery would help.
531. Yes I make mistakes but life doesn’t come with instructions.
532. Haters hate because they hate seeing you do better.
533. You hate me, Wow, I didn’t even know you existed.
534. You’ll never get over with a crush, until you find a new one.
535. The world is a scary place but somehow in your arms, it doesn’t feel so bad.
536. How many times can you wash the floor before the floor says, hey, i’m too clean. leave me alone.
537. My favourite kind of people are the relatives who give money when they leave.
538. Some people make me wish I had more middle fingers.
539. I’ve found this new disease, its called LOVE. I know its contagious cause you gave it to me.
540. Focus on your goals my friend, this girls ain’t Going no where.
541. When guys get jealous it can be kinda cute. When girls get jealous World War III is about to start.
542. I got a simple rule about everybody. If you don’t treat me right, shame on you.
543. If you are lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad company.
544. How can I go back to where the smile i had was real.
545. The question I have not been able to answer is, What does a woman want?
546. When i’m bored nobody texts me. When i’m busy i’m the most popular person on the planet.
547. Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up.
548. Faith is the understanding of life and acceptance of responsibilities.
549. I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy shits.
550. Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure.
551. Unless your name is GOOGLE, stop acting like you fucking know everything.
552. Girl. Why are you followinq me. Boy. My parents told me to always follow my dreams.
553. I am SINGLE Because I have not found someone, who deserves ME.
554. I don’t come with dice. So don’t play me.
555. I told you I needed you, you told me the same. I wasn’t lying, so why didn’t you tell the truth.
556. I’m a type of person who will put a music on repeat until the artist begs for water.
557. My biggest concern in life is actually how my online friends can be informed of my death.
558. If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more.
559. We are the WTF generation. WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook.
560. Girls use photoshop to look beautiful. Boys use photoshop to show their creativity.
561. Sometimes we fall down because there is something down there we’re supposed to find.
562. Sometimes you’re not invited so you won’t steal the attention.
563. Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
564. If you can’t convince them, Confuse them.
565. You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.
566. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
567. When I joke they take it seriously. When I am serious they take it as a joke.
568. Obsession is what lazy people call dedication.
569. You believe lies, so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.
570. The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.
571. I think you’re suffering from lack of vitamin me.
572. love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to do.
573. You are not the only one using music to try to fall asleep.
574. Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and make a bad decision.
575. We stopped checking for monsters under our bed, when we realized they were inside us.
576. It’s sad cause everybody turns out exactly how they promised they never would.
577. everyone says follow ur heart, but if my heart is in a million pieces, which piece i do follow.
578. I don’t insult people, I just describe them.
579. If your ass is going to leave don’t join.
580. Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
581. Let’s make a mistake that make us proud.
582. Follow your heart But take your brain with you.
583. sometimes the love of your life comes after the mistake of ur life.
584. I’m thankful for all the different ways to eat potatoes.
585. If you see someone in your dream, that person wants to see you in real life.
586. You’re saving her photos, I recently deleted hers. We not the same bro.
587. Lazy people are always Busy.
588. The problem with beauty is that it’s like being born rich and getting poorer.
589. That awkward moment when Jesus says Follow Me and you ask for his Twitter user name.
590. The real reason women live longer than men is because they don’t have to live with women.
591. Most emotional moment in a boys life is when a girl says, Can you give me your number.
592. If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.
593. I always give 100 percent at work. 13 percent on Monday, 22 percent on Tuesday, 26 percent on Wednesday, 35 percent on Thursday, and 4 percent on Friday.
594. Sometimes you have to play the role of fool to fool the fool who thinks they’re foolin you.
595. Feel love, feel how it hurts, promise yourself not be that vulnerable, then do it all over again.
596. Forgiving someone is easy, but being able to trust them again is a totally different story.
597. Let me just say, If you need something, go get it your damn self and stop disturbing peaceful people trying to watch Tom and Jerry. Thank you.
598. I hate it when I await something so much and then it’s like the time stretches in a way that minutes feel like hours just to make me suffer.
599. When a girl says, It’s not you, it’s me. it really might be you.
600. People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing that’s why we recommend it daily.
601. Nothing is permanent here. It’s not that kind of world. But that’s okay, forever is too long anyway.
602. Slit your wrist and cut your thighs. Fake a smile and dry your eyes. Hate yourself and hate your life. Welcome to the world of lies.
603. It’s good that they put love in the books, or he couldn’t live anywhere else.
604. In many ways, I prefer my own company. It gives me time to think.
605. Ignore me once and get a lifetime free membership of my ignorance.
606. Sex? No, thanks. Life fucks me everyday.
607. Never give up in your dreams, always keep sleeping.
608. Roses are red, shit is brown. Shut the fuck up and shit the fuck down.
609. Not all relationships will lead to marriage. Some will help you discover new restaurants.
610. There are 9,874,644,065 PEOPLES live in this world, Ignore them like you ignored the Number.
611. Whatever they tell you about me, believe it and fuck both of you.
612. Ex means. Thank for the Experience. Our time has Expired. Now please Exit my life.
613. Dont let anyone else ruin your day, It’s your day. Ruin it yourself.
614. You’re going to love a few cowards before you find the real thing.
615. None of my ex’s are married or in a happy relationships, so it’s safe to say I wasn’t the problem.
616. If you think being small, cannot make difference, then try to sleep a night with a mosquito.
617. Most days, I’m not sure if its me that’s grumpy or I keep finding assholes everywhere I go.
618. Sometimes it doesn’t work out with someone because they’re a piece of shit who deserves a piece of shit and you’re not a piece of shit.
619. If you’re not happy with your life right now, just remember there’s someone meeting your ex right now thinking they found someone special.
620. So far my only regret in life is that I didn’t tell enough people to fuck off.
621. Having many girlfriends or boyfriends doesn’t mean you are beautiful or handsome, cheap products attract more buyers.
622. I am good at multitasking. I can listen, ignore and forget, every word of bullshit you tell me.
623. Stop writing single on your bio, no one is interested in you.
624. Can’t wait to have a husband and buy him gifts from his money.
625. Rule 1.  Your girlfriend is always right.. Rule 2. If you think she is wrong slap yourself and remember Rule 1.
626. My trust issues started When my mom said come here i won’t hit you.
627. Just because he dated you for 7 years it doesn’t mean he will marry you. My uncle studied medicine for 6 years he’s now a DJ.
628. Being single isn’t easy you will start missing the person you made eye contact on the street.
629. Being a girl is so weird. One moment you are dying to get married and the other moment you are hating men.
630. Girls can never just celebrate their birthday on ONE day, they need the whole month, 6 outfits, 2 dinners, a holiday, and 3 cakes.
631. I’m scared to date cause what if we don’t break up.
632. Do short people also start their stories like, when I was little or they just say, as I am today.
633. If your boyfriend is able to cheat in exam with 8 teacher 3 guards And 4 CCTV cameras then my sister, who are you.
634. Bro how kids at 10 be havin girlfriends. When i was ten i was trying to figure out how to shut the fridge before the light turned off.
635. Dear girls, stop forgiving your boyfriends, we also want you.
636. Havina a lazy girlfriend is a blessing. No need to ask Where she is, because she’s probably sleeping.
637. Having a girl best friend is like having an emotionally unstable daughter that never listens.
638. People who watch horror movie for fun and sleep peacefully are demons.
639. You stopped talking to me thinking it will hurt me. Me that don’t talk with half of my family members.
640. People who know me both on internet and in real life must be so confused.
641. You study to succeed, i study to leave my country. We are not the same.
642. Me sitting in class thinking about how to make more money than all my teachers, while they teach me useless things.
643. I wonder why MAN and GOD have 3 letters and SATAN and WOMEN have five letters. Hope is not what i’m thinking.
644. You think you can hurt me, I don’t even celebrate my own birthday.
645. After sex she loooked into my eyes with tears saying, i know you will Soon leave me, i almost cried because she was saying the truth.
646. I treat my relationships like tests, When They get hard i cheat.
647. When u finally meet the right person, but now the Wrong person is you.
648. I love asking seven different people for advice and then do what i want.
649. Stop blocking your parents on social media, let them see the hoe they raised.
650. He has trust issues cause people cheated with him not no him.
651. I once loved a girl and she broke my heart into a million pieces, now every pieces loves a different girl.
652. Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty inside too.
653. If you are waiting for me to message you first. Congratulations we will never talk again.
654. Don’t say i am in your heart, i hate being in public places.
655. I only have one rule, tell me before i find out.
656. The way you guys are getting played, soon y’all might be available on playstore.
657. If i call you pretty don’t say REALLY because i don’t like lying twice.
658. Females be calling each other SIS because they all be calling the same guy DADDY.
659. If she can type hahaha without laughing, she can type i love you without loving. Take Care kings.
660. I really want one girl but if God wants me to have more than one, who am i to question him.
661. Please don’t tell anyone we’ve dated. I know it’s a big achievement for you, but it was a mistake on my part.
662. Losing me is like loosing your front teeth, you’ll never Smile the same again.
663. If you think money can’t buy happiness, transfer it to my account.
664. Remember when you were 8 years old holding your breath when you walk past smokers. Just look at you now.
665. If she don’t spend money on you, she don’t really like you. Because when a woman likes a man she starts spending money like a drug dealer.
666. I hate when couples have ONE fight and post SINGLE, like bro… I fight with my parents and you don’t see me posting Orphan.
667. Sometimes I look at my friends and wonder how those idiots will become parents.
668. Once I become rich, one thing I don’t want to hear is Don’t let money Control you. When poverty was controlling me you were silent right?
669. If you wanna see how fast a girl can run just take their phone and run off with it.
670. We are brothers from another mother, because God knew our parents couldn’t handle us together.
671. If she texts you good morning, sorry i fell asleep, text her back, it’s okay, i just got home.
672. The more you meet people, the more you understand why Noah took animals instead of people.
673. 8 years old me scared of the dark. 18 years old me finds peace in the dark.
674. If You don’t like me, Congramotherfuckingtulation, I don’t Care.
675. Nowadays 13 year old kids are looking for true love. When i was 13, i always try to find out why the moon was following me.
676. Sometimes god sends Your ex back into your life to see if you’re still Stupid.
677. The mouse dies in the mouse trap because it doesn’t realized why the Cheese is free.
678. Never get jealous when you see your ex with Someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate.
679. Never fall in love with The same person twice. The Second time you’ll be falling In love with the memories, not the person.
680. Rule 1, never hit a girl. Rule 2, If a girl hits you, forget rule 1.
681. Let me tell these girls the truth, When They say behind every successful man there is a woman. They mean the mother not you.
682. If you’re single, sometimes sleep with the door open. Maybe your soulmate is a thief.
683. If there are no stupid question then what kind of question do stupid people ask, Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
684. I’m at that financial stage of my life where I realise why people decide to rob the bank.
685. My dating era has come to an end, I would like to thank all those who participated.
686. My personality is so inspiring that every girl I meet decides to focus on her career again instead of dating.
687. As a deadline approaches, you become smarter.
688. People who don’t have any kind of lock in phone or in any app are dangerous.
689. Using your neighbor’s WIFI isn’t stealing because the signal is invading your home, which is private property.
690. There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
691. Laughing is the best medicine. But if you are laughing without a reason, you need medicine.
692. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
693. If money doesn’t grow on tree, then why do banks have branches.
694. Me and my friends giving each other relationship advice, the blind leading the blind.
695. People who keep their phone silent all the times are so done with life.
696. She was a rainbow, but he was color blind.
697. My Fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
698. Google.. i know everything. Facebook.. i know everyone. Internet.. Without me, you’re all nothing. Electricity.. keep talking fools.
699. 19.99 dollars, because 20.00 dollars is just too much to pay.