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Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.

I'm not rich but yesterday I donated my iPhone, watch and wallet to a homeless guy. You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket.🤫😂 KINDNESS IS EVERYTHING

It's so simple to be wise, just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

3 to 4 beers per day significantly reduces your risk of giving a shit.

SIX is just 9 without S

There are two rules in life; 1.Never give out all the information

Do you know that when a short person wave at you, it's called a MICROWAVE.

I do whatever the voice in my wife's head tell me to do.

I like to have my cake and eat it too. I would also like to have your cake and eat it too.

Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents job.

    Friendship is all about maintaining a balance between roasting each other and teaming up to roast others.

    Please keep voice massage short, it's a voice note, not a podcast.

    If your left hand is cut then your right hand is left.

    Do not believe all the things you tell yourself late at night.

    I have never ever seen any alcohol company use a drunk person for any advert. Are they ashamed of their customers?

    I saw two guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay? They arrested me.

    Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance.

    Books are just TV for smart people.

    I don't have a welcome mat at my door because i am not a liar

    Roses are dead, love is fake, wedding are basically funerals with cake.